Still Here

It's the end of now
and the beginning of new,
the New Year
and I'm still here.

I never left here.
The same place,
same waste.
Alone, alone.

I fall apart,
but stay together.
Need to be,
or my mind will lose me.

I come back here.
The old place,
old waste.
Move on, move on.

Even when moving
I stop dead.
I don't know
where I go.

I always end up here.
The same place,
same waste.
Hold on, hold on.

I wonder if I
will ever change,
or if I'll make
resolutions to break.

I'm going to leave here.
A new place,
new grace.
Become, become.

Tomorrow

My head, it hurts.
It hurts me
and I want to hurt it back,
badly.
So I think.
I think and now
I can't get the thought
out of my head
of putting a bullet in it.

Sometimes in order
to find the way out
you need to find a way in.

But it's a good thing that
I don't believe in guns
and an even better thing that
I believe in tomorrow.

Tomorrow is my way in and out.

News Update

This is for any curious minds out there who were worried about the fate of the little Corgi discussed in my December 18th post entitled "Finding Home"...

THE CORGI FOUND HIS WAY HOME!

I saw him being walked by his owner and was overcome with joy, as well as relief. I can rest easy now and so can you. Yay for the Corgi!

The Bernard Pivot Questionnaire

1. What is your favorite word?
• Hope.
2. What is your least favorite word?
• Failure.
3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
• The opportunity for progress and a sense of purpose.
4. What turns you off?
• Regression and a lack of purpose, as well as negativity and hatefulness.
5. What is your favorite curse word?
• Shit.
  
6. What sound or noise do you love?
• The sound of a basketball swishing through the net.
7. What sound or noise do you hate?
• My alarm in the morning. Fifteen more minutes, please.
  
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
• At this point I just need a job, but I would enjoy any job where I could create and do.
9. What profession would you not like to do?
• I would strongly dislike the standard "office job" or anything math related.
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
• I would love for God to say with open arms, "Come here you!"

A few things I've picked up along the way...

I have learned that there is no worse feeling than that of feeling out of place. You feel lost and wrong. You feel like a mistake. On the other hand, the feeling of being in place is absolute bliss. You feel found and right. You feel purposeful.

I have learned that life is not perfect. It's messy, unpredictable, and a constant struggle. But if we clean up after ourselves, discipline ourselves, and never give up on ourselves we can make life's imperfections beautiful.

I have learned that the truth can be hard to grasp and even more difficult to cope with because truth is not based on reason, it is based on fact. When you open yourself up to truth you no doubt open yourself up to pain, loss, and tragedy. But you also open yourself up to the resilience of the human spirit, love, and hope. It's not always fair, but what I have learned more than anything is that it is always worth it.

Finding Home

I had a rather random, scary, and sort of funny experience earlier this evening when I was walking my four legged nephew. Butkus is a young 120ish pound French Mastiff who likes to eat, walk, sleep, eat, play, groom himself, sleep, eat, and go to the bathroom. Ah, a dog's life...

Okay, so I was walking Butkus and we hadn't gone too far when he stopped to go to the bathroom. After he was done doing his business I was rather surgically and carefully picking up his poo in a Hefty bag like any good dog owner, or, in my case, any good dog aunt would do. And by the way, picking up poop is one of those gross things that no longer becomes gross because you have to do it and because you've become accustomed to doing it.

Anyway, as I'm doing this I noticed that a cute little Corgi was following us. He was loose, but was wearing a collar and dog tag. I was quite sure that he was the pooch that lived relatively near by, so I was trying to figure out how I could get a hold of him while simultaneously keeping Butkus completely oblivious to the whole situation. This, of course, was not going to happen and suddenly Butkus reared his big, ole drooling head and caught a glimpse of the Corgi.

Butkus did not bark, but he excitedly lunged toward the small dog and was trying to get to him. I had know idea what he would do once he did get to the dog because the only other dog I've seen him interact with was a female French Mastiff in heat, naturally he liked her. I tried holding my ground and began instructing--a.k.a. yelling at--Butkus to calm down and behave. To spite me, he lunged forward in a great burst of energy and I lost my footing enough for him to gain a couple of feet of ground. In reaction to this the Corgi, who was running back and forth, yelped and took off to my left in a panic stricken frenzy.

This sent Butkus in a chasing rage, which spun me around and thus sent the three of us tearing down a knoll towards a main road in our neighborhood. I looked at the street only to see that, to my horror, a black coupe was headed our way. It was the first time in my life where, despite the fact that I'm horrible at math, I calculated exactly when the "two trains" would meet.

I screamed, "NO! NO! NO! STOP! STOP!" and flailed my leash free right hand in the air, which I should mention was clutching the bag of poop that I had managed to secure prior to all of this action. Thankfully the car screeched to a very abrupt halt and the unscathed Corgi continued in his scared sprint across the street.

When I saw that the car had stopped and that the dog had also ran away apparently free of injury, I attempted to come to a stop myself. Instead I was propelled forward by Butkus who was still trying to "play" with the Corgi. I flew and I mean literally flew face first towards the ground where my left knee sort of broke my fall. I then rolled onto my back and was pulled a few more feet by Butkus before I was able to finally capture his attention with a swift jerk on his leash.

I'd like to again bring your attention back to the bag o' poop... I did not drop it.

Once stopped, I climbed back to my feet and the young man driving climbed out of his car. He was obviously shaken and exclaimed, "OMIGOD LADY!" Note: I am only 22 and do not need to be called lady in that regard. But he was nice and he picked up my cell phone from off of the ground, which had fallen out of my pocket when I fell. I tried to explain the situation and then after a minute or so he asked me on a date and we lived happily ever after. No, no, I'm just kidding. But wouldn't that be quite the fairy tale? Anyway, after a minute or so we parted ways.

If any onlooker saw this whole fiasco it must have been a nail biting comedic experience... Me, the dogs. Me trying to calm the dogs down, the dogs not calming down. All of us running in the dark. The car stopping in the nick of time. Me gracefully falling, or what I would like to imagine gracefully falling looks like. Me being dragged. The bag of poop. (Thank you, Hefty, for your durable garbage bags.)

Anyway, everyone was fine, but at the same time I was sad because the Corgi was still wandering around and it was getting late and cold. I brought Butkus back home and tried to go find the pup' in the general vicinity of where I saw him last, but to no avail. However, I think that I did hear him crying so that makes me sad even now. I truly hope he managed his way home, or that he was found and is now safe with his family.

We all need to find home.

Persevere

She sits in quiet solitude
sifting through her mind
for answers to questions
she has yet to find.
Searching in every last
fold of her brain,
trying to figure out
all that it contains.
She's waiting for something
meaningful and truly profound
to make its way to her
and turn her life around.
Because it's hard to know
what direction to take
when looking for life,
even if walking by faith.

But she can't stand still,
nor get lost in the moment
so she moves onward in her day
no longer willing to postpone it.
She doesn't have to make sense
of everything in one sitting
for she is positive that
in life there is no quitting.

If I won the lottery I would...

• Spoil my family.
• Treat my friends to a trip.
• Pay off all of my bills.
• Put money away.
• Pay it forward by donating to a variety of worthy causes and people.
• Move to New York in a heartbeat, or in a "New York Minute," and furnish my new home.
• Adopt a wiener dog and name her Wonder.
• Adopt a French Mastiff and name him Hammy.
• Buy a fully loaded, state of the art Mac Book.
• Buy a digital camera and a digital camcorder.
• Stock my fridge with the following beverages: Naked Juice, Fuji bottled water, pulpy orange juice, Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper (a.k.a. DCVDP), and Spicy Hot V8 Juice.

Rethink

I read an interesting article just now where the world's tallest man saved two dolphins in China by reaching his incredibly long arms--41.7 inches long to be exact--into the bellies of the dolphins. The dolphins had ingested bits of plastic from the edge of their pool at an aquarium, but thanks to the world's tallest man they are said to be A-OK.

Here's what I found most intriguing about the whole situation... The world's tallest man is Asian, a race of people that is generally perceived as being shorter in comparison to other races. Bao Xishun, from Inner Mongolia, is a 54 year old herdsman that stands at an impressive 7'9". Furthermore, the tallest man in the NBA is 7'6" Yao Ming of China.

I absolutely love how life makes you rethink your perceptions.

To read the article visit MSNBC (www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16203273/?GT1=8816).

I Believe

With all of my heart...

• I believe in God.
• I believe that life ultimately comes down to two decisions. To do nothing or to do something. I want to do something.
• I believe in myself, though I forget that now and then.
• I believe that you can be the best at anything, but that you are never better than anyone.
  
• I believe that ice cream temporarily heals nearly all wounds.
  
• I believe in love at first sight and that love is blind. So how does that work?
• I believe that nothing is impossible.
• I believe that kids are smarter than adults in matters of the heart because their point of view has not been manipulated, tarnished, or skewed.
• I believe in the strength of the human spirit.
• I believe that everyone needs someone to drive them nuts because it actually keeps you sane, it keeps you grounded.
• I believe that nothing is coincidental.
• I believe that there is more good than bad, despite what I see in the media everyday, it's just that we emphasize the bad. And I believe that is absolutely silly.
  
• I believe that everyone secretly loves at least one Britney Spears' song.
• I believe that dreams do come true. It's just a matter of whether or not we wake up.
• I believe that spandex makes or breaks a superhero.
  
• I believe that pain is a necessary evil because it alerts us when something is wrong. If we didn't know something was wrong how would we be able to correct it?
• I believe that we can all make a positive and substantial impact on the people and world around us.
• I believe that God has made us all more than capable.
  

Marathon

Many people get on their knees to pray,
but she assumed the holy position
and made it sinful.

It's strange how one can be awake
and yet,
not be awake.
But that is pain for you.

When she awoke
to some degree of clarity
and looked up,
her being drained
and flushed out of her eyes.
Rain.

When she looked up,
she did not see God.

And when she was left there
alone on her knees
she sought immediate forgiveness.
She begged for forgiveness
from herself.

Unable to do so,
she climbed to her feet
and ran away.

She still runs today.

My Life's To Do List

• Make a difference.
• Help people.
• Create.
• Make my family and friends proud.
• Grow old with the man of my dreams and raise a happy and healthy family together.
• Live in NYC.
• Ride in the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.
• Road trip across America.
• Travel to Italy, Greece, Norway, and Ireland.
• Learn Norwegian and Spanish.
• Publish a novel, a book of poetry, and a children's book.
• Sell my artwork.
• Swim with dolphins.
• Bungee jump.
• Sky dive with an attractive instructor strapped on my back.
• Have lunch with Mariska Hargitay, Oprah Winfrey, Meryl Streep, Pat Summitt, and Ellen DeGeneres (one can dream, right?).

Know your roots...

When I think about it, the root of all evil may indeed be hate, but the root of hate is misunderstanding. We're afraid of what we don't understand and when we're afraid we take dumb, mean, and sometimes inexcusable actions to protect ourselves from perceived threats. Over time that fear develops into hate and then hate itself, sadly, flourishes. So what happens is, we begin to hate people, places, and things we don't even know for no reason.

I think that ultimately all anyone really wants is to be understood. We want to be individuals, but we need the support of others. We need to know that others can relate to our life experiences. Understanding somehow validates us as human beings and tells us that we're not alone. Furthermore, where there is understanding there is love. And who doesn't want to be loved?

So here's the deal... Do not be quick to judge others because you are not perfect. Agree to disagree when you do not share the same point of view as another; agreeing to disagree is a concept that desperately needs to be revisited because we are taking far too many people and things far too seriously. Relax. Finally, be brave. Be brave and open up to the world and people around you. If we are brave and open, we may very well come to realize that there is nothing to be afraid of and therefore nothing to hate. If we are brave and open, we can begin to understand and begin to love.

“Be tolerant with one another and forgive one another whenever
any of you has a complaint against someone else.
You must forgive one another just as the LORD has forgiven you.”
-Colossians 3:13-

TV Counts!

I have to say that I find it slightly upsetting that there isn't a spot for me to list my favorite television shows in my "complete profile." I'm asked about my favorite movies, music, and books, but apparently TV isn't worthy of notation according to Blogger. Well I beg to differ. TV counts, damn it. And so, without further ado, here are my favorite TV shows...

• Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
• Grey's Anatomy
• House
• Sex & the City
• Will & Grace
• Friends
• The Oprah Winfrey Show
• The Ellen DeGeneres Show

I'd also like to note that since I no longer have cable, I am lost without Paula Deen from the Food Network. She makes me laugh, y'all.

Icebreaker

Hello there! I'm Annie. Pleased to meet you. I hail from the "Magic City."

Oh, sorry... You don't know where that is? Okay, okay. Well, I'm from Minot, North Dakota. "Why Not Minot," if you will.

Still don't know? Okay, um...

Yeah, Minot is the fourth largest city in the great state of North Dakota and is located north of our state capitol...

What's that? Bismarck, yes, Bismarck is the capitol of NoDak. Anyway, back to Minot...

Minot is also located to the west of the Geographic Center of the United States, which before you ask, is Rugby. And of course, North Dakota itself is north of South Dakota. Hey, don't give me a hard time about that either because no one makes fun of North and South Carolina and it's pretty much the same thing. Pff.

ANYWAY...

Minot is the home of the Magi, Josh Duhamel, the North Dakota State Fair, the Great Anhydrous Ammonia Spill of 2002, North America's largest Scandinavian festival (the Norsk Hostfest), and me.

I know what you're thinking... Yes, it's basically the shiznit.

But Minot is behind me now because I live in an even smaller town north of St. Paul, Minnesota. I like to call it The Boondocks. I came to Minnesota because I graduated from the University of North Dakota in May of 2006 and after a few months living with the parents it was time for me to become an adult and I had no where else to go. The only problem is... I'm still working on that adult thing. "Working" being a sort of ironic choice of word because I'm not working. Ha!

No, it's really not that funny. Not funny at all. I shouldn't laugh. It was a nervous laugh, but I shouldn't laugh because I need a job. Or as my brother puts it, a J-O-B.

Congratulations to him, by the way, for his superior spelling skills. Really, give him a round of applause.

But yeah, I'm a Job Hunter and I've got the camouflage and neon orange gear to prove it. Well, that's a lie; it's a joke. Ha ha. Anyway, since I'm jobless I prefer to call myself a Dreamer. Yup, it's my official non-official job title until I'm adult enough to earn a job title.

So until then, you can call me Annie. Annie, the funny girl from North Dakota who is a dreamer. That's me in a nut shell. Not an actual nut shell, but...

Oh, you get it.