Release

Last night my mind was kept up by thoughts of poetry. Little thoughts were tapping me on my shoulder seemingly saying, "Excuse me, um excuse me. I'm here for you. Do something with me please." And so, per their request, I did not ignore these thoughts. I paid close attention to their suggestions, "Put me here. Join me with that thought. I belong there." What resulted was the first poem I have written in quite some time and it was the accomplishment of my day. I stayed up into the wee hours of the morning in order to weave these thoughts into meaning before they slipped away and escaped me forever. The ironic part is that I denied myself sleep so as to pen a poem about cherishing sleep. Funny how that works out isn't it? Well, at least I think that it is funny. Anywho, here is the poem...

"Release"

When sleep comes and settles
into the seams of your eyes
for the evening,
quietly sealing away
the chaos of the world,
I hope it opens up the doors
painted in red, yellow, blue, and green
to your similarly vivid dreams.
So that in sleep you are awakened
to the truth you have desperately stored
in a forgotten nook of your heart.
I pray you release yourself
and reach in then out
into the endless possibilities.
That you roam freely under
the forgiving starry sky,
tending to your spirit along the way.
And when you feel your body start to stir
I hope you gather your being back up
with open arms and return
to the boundaries of your body.
May you gently wipe the sleep from your eyes
and peer through your fluttering eyelashes
before welcoming the light of a shiny new morning.
Awaking with peace and thanks
to another day of the merciful mess
affectionately known as life.

I like today...

Today was not extraordinary, though there were moments that were out of the ordinary. All and all this day was average, but splendidly so. Here's why...

When I entered my bedroom I was greeted by the smell of peanut butter and jelly. I don't know why it smelled of a PB&J sandwich, but it did. It was random, but I liked it.

There was a grasshopper hanging out on my living room window, high above his world. I am unsure if he was clinging to the spot, or just enjoying the view. Regardless, he's been there for two days and I appreciate that he chose to visit my window and bare his belly to me. I wonder if he will be there tomorrow... If so, I think I'll have to name him.

I enjoyed a lovely conversation with a dear friend. It was so nice to chat with someone who "gets me." She shared great insight into my current complexes and provided a fresh perspective about a matter that has troubled me. We shared laughs and made promises to each other to cultivate bravery in our respective lives. Her wisdom made me happy.

Finally I will mention that today was dark and rainy, but it was a nice break from the August heat providing a welcomed glimpse into the fall. I wore my favorite sweat pants, enjoyed a cup of tea, and sunk into all things cozy. It was great, truly great.

This day was usual, but what was unusual was my gratitude for the usual. I need to give thanks more often. It brings a calmness into my heart and gives life to a deep, yet simple peace.

Purpose.com

One uneventful evening I took a tour of my favorite internet destinations. After visiting my email account, Facebook, Mariska.com, and so on I decided to type random words followed by a "dot com." For example, I punched in "holla.com."

Finally I thought, "Hmm... What about purpose.com?" And so I ventured to my online purpose only to find a roadblock similar to the one I face in reality...

When purpose.com loaded I was brought to an almost entirely blank white page. A message written in simple capital letters stated: ACCESS FORBIDDEN. And below that foreboding statement purpose.com declared, "Access denied. Please click on the back button to return to the former page."

I had to laugh because I felt that it was ironic. I know it doesn't mean anything unless I give it meaning, but seriously... If I'm struggling to understand my purpose in life can I just please find a virtual purpose?

Peace Overflows in the Tub

I took a bath yesterday evening for the first time since I don't know when. Please don't be mistaken, I do shower daily, but a bath is a rare occasion. Anyway...

I was surrounded by everything calming: warm water, bubbles, the soft glow of candlelight, poetry. I was serenaded by sweet music, as well as by the steady rhythm of Butkus breathing, who was sleeping by the side of the tub thankful that he did not have to take a bath. The big boy is not a fan of water unless it is in his water bowl.

The experience of the bath was ever so peaceful and for that moment in time my life was perfect. (It is in the little and often unnoticed things where perfection resides.) I was where I was meant to be right there and then.

Instead of feeling lost in this world, I was lost in the eloquent language of poetry...

But surely death must possess that one tiny,
Intricate light created by the small certainty
Of its own name. And, darling, I know this too,
That in the moment that death comes to cover you,
Lying down carefully over your body, fitting itself
So well, forming belly to belly, matching
Its spreading fingers exactly to your open hands,
Finding its own thighs and its heart and its motion
By finding yours, in that moment, just like a flame
Catching hold suddenly in the center of a lantern
And rising then to fill the dark void of the forest
With its place, death will have no choice,
Must be transformed, illuminated, filled to its farthest
Boundaries by all the glorious sins and virtues
Of your real and radiant grace.
-Excerpt from "The Light Inside of Death" by Pattiann Rogers in her book of poetry entitled Splitting and Binding

Instead of feeling lost in this world, I felt found in ideas. I was stripped of my worries, fears, doubts, and insecurities. All of the "noes" slipped away the moment I slipped under the still water. I was blanketed in serenity, hope, joy, and truth. I was exposed and I was me. I was real. Yes.

I prayed to God that the peace would settle in my soul and linger. That everything that has been holding me back from pursuing peace daily, would wash away like the dirt from my body. I prayed to come to know Him better and through knowing Him, that I would come to know myself even better and realize His dream for my life and fulfill it. I prayed to live and I mean really, truly live.

Find My Way

Sooo... My brother obtained a new job back in our hometown of Minot, ND. I'm extremely happy for him because it is a great opportunity that will enable him to get his foot firmly in the door of education. It will also be a nice break from his current job, which definitely tears at his heart from time to time being he works with emotionally disturbed youth. Finally, he'll be closer to our parental unit--something both he and my parents will enjoy.

I, on the other hand, am still unemployed and apparently turning into the black sheep of the family. And when my brother moves I'll be homeless since I live with him. Even worse, I'll be separated from my four legged nephew.

My beloved Butkus.

But worse yet, if I don't get my life in control I, too, will be moving back to Minot. If that were to happen I'd at least be close to Butkus, but truly that would not be my ideal living situation. I am proud of where I come from, but for a girl who dreams of NYC that would be a depressing step backwards.

There's nothing and no one there in Minot for me...

I'm just sooo completely frustrated and exhausted. I have shut down and I feel horrible for doing that because it's silly when there are people who are actually fighting their way through a true ordeal. I have no idea what I want to do, what I should do, and where I should be here and now in my life. I've never felt so lost, so alone. I've never felt so absurd. How do I not have a "real job"?! It's ridiculous on my part, I know.

I don't expect to have my dream job at twenty-three. Heck, I don't even know what exactly my dream job is because there is just so much I hope to do. But this world of business seems so petty. I guess I have my head in the clouds. Forgive me, I'm just not equipped for the real world. I never have had to "put myself out there" before and the thought of having to do so now is...is...slightly terrifying.

I want to be brave. I need to be brave.

I should backtrack because I do know what I want to do with my life... I want to write and paint and design my own cards and draw and craft a message. I want to create. And through my creations I want to reach people, touch their hearts, and impact them. I want to make a difference...


But how can I pursue all of that when I am broke? Money doesn't make the world go 'round, but it definitely helps one make her way around the world.

Please pray I find my way.

More questions to ponder...

• Why is Carson Daly still on TV? There should be a law that only comedians can have a late night talk show. Really, I just don't find him funny. And though I'm typically asleep when his show airs, I just think that it is the principle of the thing.
  
• Have you ever, for lack of better words, felt sorry for individuals eating in public by their selves? I have, but I have no problem eating by myself. Why is that?
• When a couple is riding in a single cab truck why is it necessary to sit side by side? If you can't drive a few blocks without being hip to hip you have a problem.
• Why am I called "ma'am" by 18 year olds? I am only 23 and therefore only 5 years older. Ma'am-calling should not happen until I am at least in my 40ies.
• When will wireless headphones become mainstream for MP3 players and other similar portable devices? I'm really tired of always having to untangle mine and running gets annoying as well. Wireless headphones would be phenomenal and frankly, their introduction is overdue.
• What is it about babies and dogs that just makes me want to kiss and hug them? Fear not, I have self restraint and only love up babies and dogs I know. But truly, the sight of babies and dogs instantly makes my heart happy.
  
• What has happened to manners? I think it is not only polite, but also necessary to thank someone for, let's say, holding the door open for you. Moreover, it doesn't hurt to hold a door open for someone else.
• How is it that a soda, a beer, and/or a glass of juice can be so full of calories? I mean, understand it, but they're liquid! There's practically nothing to them. I just think that beverages should not add up to a...a...steak in terms of calories when their masses are completely different. You know what I mean?
• If Miss, as in Miss Johnson, is spelled M-I-S-S why does she acquire an "r" when she obtains her M-R-S and becomes Mrs. Olson? Where does that "r" come from? Mr.? I mean the woman takes the man's last name and she has to take along a random "r" as well? I don't get it.
  
• What is the fascination with Paris Hilton and other Paris Hilton-esque "celebrities"? I don't know her, and don't like or dislike her. I'm pretty much indifferent. But why is she so newsworthy when there are twenty-somethings running marathons, overcoming cancer, and contributing to their communities?
• How does a bridge suddenly and completely collapse with seemingly no immediate warnings? This just should not happen.