The Name Game

I love America.  Truly.  How could I not?  It's my homeland.  It's the land of the free and the home of the brave.  It's full of loving, brilliant, humble, hardworking, capable people.  That said, it has its flaws and Americans are far from perfect.  Just as there are good people roaming from the Lakes of Minnesota to the Hills of Tennessee, there are also bad people doing bad things.  Simply put.

And then there are people who are completely mind blowing...  Perhaps they aren't bad and they aren't doing bad.  No, maybe they're just naive or for whatever reason have a skewed view on life or are spoiled.  Yeah, spoiled.  It seems to me that reality television is a flaw America loves and that particular flaw showcases some pretty ridiculously spoiled folks. 

I'm not gonna lie, I do watch some reality TV shows from time to time.  Usually with my mouth gaping and my brow furrowed in disbelief.  It is a darn good thing that I only have about twenty channels of cable, otherwise I would likely be sucked into this faux real world depicted on TV.  I loved The Osbournes, Made, Little People Big World, and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. I love Project Runway, My Life on the D-List, and The Deadliest Catch.  (Are some of these shows still running?  I don't even know, aside from Deadliest Catch.)  But c'mon...  The Real Housewives franchise?  Sister Wives?  Jersey Shore?!  And the equally perplexing Teen Mom?!

One such reality show that I am at this very moment sucked into, despite my better judgment, is Bravo's Pregnant in Heels.  I've never seen this show before and don't plan on watching it again, but I am sitting here dumbfounded by a pregnant couple, who are already parents of two girls, as they try to decide on a name for their unborn son.  They have hired a maternity concierge (say what?!) to help them in the naming process, which includes having a focus group and think tank to discuss potential baby names. 

Are you freakin' kidding me?  You need to bring together a language specialist, poet, business exec, and a bunch of other random people/supposed specialists you don't even know to help you name your own child?  Seriously?!  And how much money did you pay them? 

Yup, there's some'n wrong...some'n wrong 'dat, America.

For the love of Pete, here's how you name a baby:

1. Talk to your husband or wife.
2. Choose a name.
3. The end.

Okay, okay, I realize it may be more complicated than that.  But honestly, when it comes down to it don't you just have to talk with one another?  I mean, you can refer to a book of baby names if necessary or chat with family and friends, but ultimately the decision should be yours because, after all, the baby is yours.  And unless you're trying to name your child, oh I don't know, Hitler or Bertha or Branch people should just keep their opinions to their selves.  Wait, I'll add to that Hamilton Charles because had I been a boy that would have been my name, after a great uncle.  Here's the deal, I am one hundred percent positive that I would have been nicknamed Ham Chuck the Fat Kid.  Seriously.  That, dear friends, would have been an appropriate name for my parents' family and friends to help them reconsider.  Just sayin'...

Hiring a group of strangers to tell you the pros and cons of the name Tucker seems silly.  Especially when in the end this particular couple chose a name no one seemed to like but them.  Bowen Asher.  I mean, it's not a name I'd choose, but again, he's not my son so they should care less about my opinion.

Should this couple have another child down the road I will offer my services to them.  Yes indeed, they can pay me a large sum of money and I will help them name their baby using a method my grandma's family utilized to name her.  My grandma, an afterthought, was named Carol Shirley after each member of the family put their favorite names in a hat and then drew out her first name followed by her middle name.  She always said her name didn't have a ring to it, but the "hat" had spoken and that was that.

Family stories like that, well, I think they are what is right with America.