Peace Overflows in the Tub

I took a bath yesterday evening for the first time since I don't know when. Please don't be mistaken, I do shower daily, but a bath is a rare occasion. Anyway...

I was surrounded by everything calming: warm water, bubbles, the soft glow of candlelight, poetry. I was serenaded by sweet music, as well as by the steady rhythm of Butkus breathing, who was sleeping by the side of the tub thankful that he did not have to take a bath. The big boy is not a fan of water unless it is in his water bowl.

The experience of the bath was ever so peaceful and for that moment in time my life was perfect. (It is in the little and often unnoticed things where perfection resides.) I was where I was meant to be right there and then.

Instead of feeling lost in this world, I was lost in the eloquent language of poetry...

But surely death must possess that one tiny,
Intricate light created by the small certainty
Of its own name. And, darling, I know this too,
That in the moment that death comes to cover you,
Lying down carefully over your body, fitting itself
So well, forming belly to belly, matching
Its spreading fingers exactly to your open hands,
Finding its own thighs and its heart and its motion
By finding yours, in that moment, just like a flame
Catching hold suddenly in the center of a lantern
And rising then to fill the dark void of the forest
With its place, death will have no choice,
Must be transformed, illuminated, filled to its farthest
Boundaries by all the glorious sins and virtues
Of your real and radiant grace.
-Excerpt from "The Light Inside of Death" by Pattiann Rogers in her book of poetry entitled Splitting and Binding

Instead of feeling lost in this world, I felt found in ideas. I was stripped of my worries, fears, doubts, and insecurities. All of the "noes" slipped away the moment I slipped under the still water. I was blanketed in serenity, hope, joy, and truth. I was exposed and I was me. I was real. Yes.

I prayed to God that the peace would settle in my soul and linger. That everything that has been holding me back from pursuing peace daily, would wash away like the dirt from my body. I prayed to come to know Him better and through knowing Him, that I would come to know myself even better and realize His dream for my life and fulfill it. I prayed to live and I mean really, truly live.

Find My Way

Sooo... My brother obtained a new job back in our hometown of Minot, ND. I'm extremely happy for him because it is a great opportunity that will enable him to get his foot firmly in the door of education. It will also be a nice break from his current job, which definitely tears at his heart from time to time being he works with emotionally disturbed youth. Finally, he'll be closer to our parental unit--something both he and my parents will enjoy.

I, on the other hand, am still unemployed and apparently turning into the black sheep of the family. And when my brother moves I'll be homeless since I live with him. Even worse, I'll be separated from my four legged nephew.

My beloved Butkus.

But worse yet, if I don't get my life in control I, too, will be moving back to Minot. If that were to happen I'd at least be close to Butkus, but truly that would not be my ideal living situation. I am proud of where I come from, but for a girl who dreams of NYC that would be a depressing step backwards.

There's nothing and no one there in Minot for me...

I'm just sooo completely frustrated and exhausted. I have shut down and I feel horrible for doing that because it's silly when there are people who are actually fighting their way through a true ordeal. I have no idea what I want to do, what I should do, and where I should be here and now in my life. I've never felt so lost, so alone. I've never felt so absurd. How do I not have a "real job"?! It's ridiculous on my part, I know.

I don't expect to have my dream job at twenty-three. Heck, I don't even know what exactly my dream job is because there is just so much I hope to do. But this world of business seems so petty. I guess I have my head in the clouds. Forgive me, I'm just not equipped for the real world. I never have had to "put myself out there" before and the thought of having to do so now is...is...slightly terrifying.

I want to be brave. I need to be brave.

I should backtrack because I do know what I want to do with my life... I want to write and paint and design my own cards and draw and craft a message. I want to create. And through my creations I want to reach people, touch their hearts, and impact them. I want to make a difference...


But how can I pursue all of that when I am broke? Money doesn't make the world go 'round, but it definitely helps one make her way around the world.

Please pray I find my way.

More questions to ponder...

• Why is Carson Daly still on TV? There should be a law that only comedians can have a late night talk show. Really, I just don't find him funny. And though I'm typically asleep when his show airs, I just think that it is the principle of the thing.
  
• Have you ever, for lack of better words, felt sorry for individuals eating in public by their selves? I have, but I have no problem eating by myself. Why is that?
• When a couple is riding in a single cab truck why is it necessary to sit side by side? If you can't drive a few blocks without being hip to hip you have a problem.
• Why am I called "ma'am" by 18 year olds? I am only 23 and therefore only 5 years older. Ma'am-calling should not happen until I am at least in my 40ies.
• When will wireless headphones become mainstream for MP3 players and other similar portable devices? I'm really tired of always having to untangle mine and running gets annoying as well. Wireless headphones would be phenomenal and frankly, their introduction is overdue.
• What is it about babies and dogs that just makes me want to kiss and hug them? Fear not, I have self restraint and only love up babies and dogs I know. But truly, the sight of babies and dogs instantly makes my heart happy.
  
• What has happened to manners? I think it is not only polite, but also necessary to thank someone for, let's say, holding the door open for you. Moreover, it doesn't hurt to hold a door open for someone else.
• How is it that a soda, a beer, and/or a glass of juice can be so full of calories? I mean, understand it, but they're liquid! There's practically nothing to them. I just think that beverages should not add up to a...a...steak in terms of calories when their masses are completely different. You know what I mean?
• If Miss, as in Miss Johnson, is spelled M-I-S-S why does she acquire an "r" when she obtains her M-R-S and becomes Mrs. Olson? Where does that "r" come from? Mr.? I mean the woman takes the man's last name and she has to take along a random "r" as well? I don't get it.
  
• What is the fascination with Paris Hilton and other Paris Hilton-esque "celebrities"? I don't know her, and don't like or dislike her. I'm pretty much indifferent. But why is she so newsworthy when there are twenty-somethings running marathons, overcoming cancer, and contributing to their communities?
• How does a bridge suddenly and completely collapse with seemingly no immediate warnings? This just should not happen.
  

More of the randomness that is me...

• A life goal of mine is to develop a nonprofit that uses the arts to raise funds and awareness for various social issues, as well as to assist those affected by tragedy, illness, poverty, and violence.
• I love when the moon rises at night and also when it shows its face during the day.
• Bruises and scrapes resulting from playing sports, or being physically active make me feel tough. Bruises and scrapes caused by my own clumsiness make me laugh at myself.
  
• I have several quote books filled with the many hilarious comments my friends have made. In the future I plan on writing a novel using only their quotes as the dialogue. It should be interesting--very, very interesting.
• Ever since becoming a fan of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit I have been extremely suspicious of plain white vans like those used by painters and maintenance men. It seems that "perps" frequently drive those vans in particular.
  
• The first time I had a Twinkie I was in the sixth grade.
• I have incredibly weird dreams nearly every night. For example, I recently dreamed that I was swing dancing with Al Pacino.
  
• I love Robins. Last summer my mom woke me up one morning because there was an injured Robin in our driveway. We named the bird Chirpy and tried to nurse him back to health, but unfortunately were not successful in our efforts. Since I have lived in Minnesota I haven't seen a single Robin and it makes me miss Chirpy even more.
  
• I think that Free Runners are positively amazing athletes/artists.
  
• On the back of my left hand there is a small, faint, double "l" scar due to a tubing incident when I was in junior high. I hit a wave, my head whipped down and the braces bracket on my front left tooth collided with my hand cutting it.
  
• Men who can cook, build, speak a foreign language, draw, play a sport, make music, tell a joke, and/or love dogs and kids are incredibly attractive to me.
  
• I sort of wish I was a firefly so I could shine light on darkness. That's a strange wish, I know, but it's more metaphorical than anything.

Transformation Proclamation

On May 21st of this year I made a sort of "transformation proclamation." I vowed to myself--and to friends--that from there on out, I would hold myself accountable for the person I am and strive to become the person I hope to be...the person I am meant to be. Alas, over a month later I haven't made a whole lot of progress. It's a difficult thing to do, transform, when your life needs improvements in every which way...

I've mainly been focusing on developing a career in order to become a financially stable and independent young woman. Unfortunately, I haven't received the response from employers that I hoped for and there just haven't been opportunities that I qualify for... It's entirely frustrating to feel inadequate when I know that I am intelligent, I am capable, I am someone of worth who has much to offer. But how do I get that to translate? That is the question and that is what I continue to work on so that one day soon, I can work.

Another area which I am hoping to improve in is that of my own personal health. I have been trying to eat healthier and have had some success, with the occasional setback. But I have been running and, for me, that is a huge accomplishment. Trust me, I'm not a natural born runner. However, I've actually surprised myself because I am kind of liking running. I like using my body because I want to take advantage of my physical abilities while they last and I want to become healthier. Plus, I really do love feeling the "good aches" because it means that I've found--and used--muscles I have neglected.

Finally a point of emphasis has been growing in my faith. I think it is very important to come know God because through Him, I'll come to know myself. He provides for me everyday and has blessed me in so many ways. I want nothing more than to bring glory to His name with my life--indeed, that is the reason behind my transformation. Even if I had some hot shot job, loads of cash, the nicest clothes, a sweet ride, a MTV Crib worthy home, yadda, yadda, yadda... Even if I had all of that, it would mean nothing without God. God brings meaning and purpose to my life.

So with that thought, I continue to pursue the "better me." Progress takes time and transformation is a daily task, but the reward is sooo worth it. The reward is a life truly lived, a life that will have mattered, and a life that leads to God.

"Don't you know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit,
who lives in you and who was given to you by God?
You do not belong to yourselves but to God;
he bought you for a price.
So use your bodies for God's glory."
-1 Corinthians 6:19-20-

"The only accurate way to understand ourselves
is by what God is and by what he does for us."
-Romans 12:3-

"A life devoted to things is a dead life, a stump;
a God shaped life is a flourishing tree."
-Proverbs 11:28-

"Do not conform yourselves to the standards of this world,
but let God transform you inwardly
by a complete change of your mind.
Then you will be able to know the will of God--
what is good and what is pleasing to Him and what is perfect."
-Romans 12:2-