Okay, for those of you who are (for some odd reason) unaware of apparition in the Harry Potter sense of the word, perhaps you've heard of teleportation? Essentially it's the ability to be in one place one second and then magically appear in another place an instant later. Pretty cool, right? I mean, even if you don't, again, for some odd reason, like the magical world of Harry Potter you have got to the love the concept of apparition! (And if you don't... We're done here. Seriously. We're done.)
Think about it! Think about the possibilities! If I could apparate I would have no problem whatsoever living in the NoDak if I could pop to NYC or the Twin Cities or London or Italy or wherever whenever the heck I wanted. Or say, I don't know, we have an unlikely HUGE snowstorm at the end of March. No worries! I'll just make my way to Hawaii in a jiffy, thank you very much, without the hassle of booking a flight and airport security and having to sit in teeny tiny, uncomfortable seats for hours. Holla!
The practicality of that magical ability would be grand as well... Overslept and are late for work? Boom, you're there! At work and need a breather because of some jerk? Boom, you're in the middle of an enchanting forest, gazing at the beauty of the sun's rays as they filter in through the branches, with sounds of a nearby creek gurgling and birds chirping, and--wouldn't you know--a butterfly is fluttering on your shoulder. Sooo peaceful. Sigh.
Have a shopping cart overloaded with a ginormous amount of groceries? No need to push that cart out to your vehicle, transfer the groceries into your vehicle, and then find a cart corral. (You find a cart corral, right? Right?!) No need to load up your arms with twenty bags of groceries, slip on a patch of ice and almost fall on your bum, which would then mean there is no need to curse. (Who makes two trips of hauling groceries?) Nope, if you could apparate all you would have to do is have the bags in hand and in a mere instant you're standing in your kitchen with a twinkle in your eye, a shiny bright smile on your face, and no nagging twinging pain in your lower back from slipping on a patch of ice and almost falling on your bum.
And just think of the money you'd save not needing a vehicle! Oh, and apparating is totally environmentally friendly! BONUS!
But here is why I wish I could apparate really, really, really bad... I would never. ever. have to use. a public restroom. ever. again. Ever. Hot damn, as my Grandmama would say. I could just snap on home and use my own bathroom! I truly think this would reduce my stress level in a magnificent way. Especially considering the public restroom I am cruelly forced to use at work.
Now I know everybody poops. A kids' book was even written about that very fact. So yeah, I know everybody poops. No judging here. It's fact of life and good for your health. But, without getting into too much detail, I seriously question the crap some people must eat... (Yup, pun intended. I can just hear my mom saying, "Ann Ma-rie!" Sorry Momma Nanc'.) Besides the bodily function aspect of hating public restrooms, I also am blown away by people's actions or inactions.
At my workplace there are actually two public restrooms for women. I recently used the one located in the upper level of our building for the first time, as opposed to the one I normally use just down the corridor from our office space on the main floor. I got a good chuckle in that upper level women's restroom when I read a sign that said something along the lines of 'please flush the toilet when you are done using it'. Really? I mean, really? People don't flush when they're done? Wow. I guess they don't though, or at least upstairs they weren't because that sign had to be posted for some silly and slightly horrific reason. Can I say wow one more time? Yeah...wow.
In the restroom I typically frequent I would like to post a few signs. The first would be, "NO MEN" because apparently the little plastic sign on the door that reads "WOMEN" means nothing to the dudes who work in our building. I guess we have to reiterate that. Another sign being, "Please courtesy flush when needed". Umm... I don't think I'll say much more about that. The third sign would say, "Please do not be a lazy diva (I say diva because men shouldn't be using this women's restroom) who cannot take two seconds out of her busy day to put a new roll of toilet paper on the toilet paper holder. Thank you."
You see, nothing irritates me quite like an empty toilet paper roll hanging from a holder. That is, however, aside from an empty toilet paper roll with a full roll of toilet paper placed by it, but not on it. In this particular public restroom there is a little shelf hanging on the wall stocked with roll upon roll of toilet paper. It's within arm's reach and just a few feet, if that, away from the toilet paper holder itself. So it is beyond me when someone will use the last scraps of TP and then instead of quickly replacing the empty roll will just grab a new roll and put it on the back of the toilet tank, or lean it against the wall on the toilet paper holder.
Seriously? You did nothing for me. Are you incapable of fulfilling that simple task? Seriously? If so, you've got some follow-through issues that you may want to seek psychiatric help for. I mean it.
Point in case... This morning I entered the public restroom and immediately blurted, "Are you freakin' kidding me?!" This then prompted me to book it back to my office in order to grab my cell phone, which disturbed my co-workers I should add, and hustle back to the restroom. Why? Why did I say such a thing? And why did I take my cell phone with me to the restroom? I'll tell you why (and you knew I would)... Because, dear friends, when I entered the restroom there dangling from the TP holder was an empty roll. Conveniently located on the floor, I repeat, on. the. floor was a new, full roll of toilet paper. Now I don't care that the TP had a thin wrapping shielding it from the dirt and germs of the floor. Wrapping or no wrapping, do not ev-ver put TP on a public restroom floor!
And just so you believe me...
Remember that one older gentleman from American Idol a couple of years ago that sang his original song "Pants on the Ground"? Well, I'm gonna make it big singing this... "TP on the floo'! TP on the floo'! Actin' like fool puttin' TP on the floo'!"
See? Do you see why for this reason alone being able to magically apparate would be beneficial?! The military already has an invisibility cloak of sorts. (True story.) If they could get working on apparition/teleportation I'd be most appreciative aaannnnddddd far more sane.
Here ends my rant.
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