This Mess

Countless questions,
thoughts,
sighs,
prayers,
hopes,
doubts,
dreams,
fears,
beliefs,
memories,
visions,
emotions
explosively collide in my head.
Whew, some storm.
Perhaps explaining the headache I suffer from?
(Another question.)
This mess intermingles, intertwines, and tangles itself together so passionately
then rips itself apart like a violent breakup of lovers,
leaving me dazed and seeing colorful star bursts.
Oh, I feel this destruction swelling within…
My veins, pressured by a river of adrenaline, fatten.
My heart, no longer willing to keep a steady rhythm, beats intensely.
Erratically even.
I struggle to catch my breath because apparently I’m chasing it
though I’m standing still—and this pose takes a colossal effort.
And then the tears come.
They may fall from my eyes, but they come from everywhere.
Everywhere.
They’re angry tears fueled by confusion.
They’re tears of sadness that should have been shed long ago.
The tears come suddenly, but I remember to stop them.
Bottle them up then empty them into the deep ocean within me,
which I think once upon a time was a mere pond.
There’s a voice that says to let the tears flow,
but the potential damage of the flood is...is...too much.
It’s too damn much.
And so I, in an undignified manner, wipe my eyes and clear my throat.
(I never did cry pretty.)
And so I stand a little straighter.
And so I breathe a little deeper.
And so I shake my head and everything in it.
And so I move on, having settled nothing.
But moving feels good.
So, so, so good.
And at least if I’m moving
this mess has to work to keep up.
If I’m moving I’m alive,
it means I’m alive.
Amen,
I’m alive.