Would-be renters please take heed...

I'm a leasing agent and I know that many people would put me right up there with car salesmen, but it's my job. It's not a job I ever wanted, or a job I ever dreamed of. But it's my job. It pays the bills, keeps food on my table, clothes on my back, and a roof over my head. Today, that's something to be very grateful for and I am.

As a leasing agent I'd like to disperse a bit of knowledge and share some tips with would-be renters. I admit that this advice isn't only beneficial to prospective tenants. A smooth rental process is also beneficial for my sanity as a human being. So please, if you're looking to rent, take heed...

1. If you don't have money to rent an apartment or house then don't go hunting for a home. I can't barter with you and I can't donate one to you. Let's save both of ourselves some quality time.
2. If you're a creeper, can you just buy your own home please? I really don't want to be alone in an empty apartment or house with you--particularly in an unfinished basement of an old house. So either uncreep yourself, or just stay the heck away from me.
3. Sex offender? Hell to tha no. You will not rent from me. Sorry. Wait... No I'm not.
   
4. I do not need your life story. Let's keep it professional. Let's keep our convos short and and to the point.
   
5. When reviewing an availability list, do just that... Review it. Read over everything and come prepared.
   
6. If an apartment is noted as occupied, that means it's not vacant. If you don't know what either of those words--occupied and vacant--mean, look them up. Please. I beg you.
   
7. Do not come to an appointment thirty minutes early. You'll be waiting a long time and I'll be fuming for a long time. Trust me on this, five minutes is plenty early. Plenty. Early.
   
8. Do not come to an appointment thirty minutes late. You'll be lucky if you get to look at anything. You're better off to call and reschedule if you're going to be more than ten minutes late.
   
9. Make one appointment. So you want to look at a few apartments or houses? Great. I'm happy to show you. But I sure as heck do not want to show you the same exact properties multiple times. Make sure you and your roommate(s) can come together at the same time if you all want to see them. If you need measurements, remember to bring that tape measurer with you the first time so I don't have to escort you back there. Whatever it is that could possibly make you want/need to look at the same place twice, I would greatly appreciate it if you could get all of that organized for the first and hopefully last appointment.
   
10. Unless you're a first time renter, do not bring your mom and dad with you. Okay, that may be a bit harsh... How about... If you're over forty, don't bring your parents with you. You're an adult. You can make a decision.
    
11. If you have four kids or more, it'd be best if you didn't bring them with you on a tour. I love kids, I really do. But let's face it, some kids are not well behaved and if a home is occupied they can get into things. And that's not good. Not good at all.
    
12. Treat an appointment to tour homes like you would a job interview. Now I'm not saying you need to come in a suit, but it's always nice when I don't see your underwear and, you know, you're clean.
    
13. Speaking of clean... Keep it clean by watching your language. I swear, I do, but I don't do it around you so please don't drop the F-bomb in front of me. And definitely don't say, "I'll have to watch that step when I'm drunk! Ha ha." Seriously.
    
14. Use the bathroom before you go on a property tour. I once had a creeper use the bathroom of a vacant apartment and he left the door wide open, this was after he asked me out. So again, I plead with creepers to stay away.
15. If we're in an apartment or house, please don't plan where every piece of furniture would go for thirty minutes..especially when it's still occupied. I don't want to be in anyone's home longer than I need to be. It's plain awkward. And I don't mean to be rude, but I could really care less where your recliner would go.
    
16. Please, please, please don't hem and haw whether or not you and your significant other, or roommate want to rent the apartment or home in front of me for thirty minutes while still in the home...especially when it's still occupied. Again, it's awkward. It's also infuriating. I have no say with your personal business. I also don't have the time (or patience) to listen when you're not even talking to me. I've got paperwork I could finish, people! Talk amongst yourselves and then let me know if you have any questions. I'd be happy to answer them at that time.
    
17. Don't lie. If you have bad credit, have been previously evicted, owe people money... Fess up to it. It's going to show up in your credit report anyway. So now not only are you a risk, you're also a liar. That's not a good one-two combo.
    
18. Fill out your application fully and clearly. If I have to hunt for needed information and try to decipher your chicken scratch, not only are you going to frustrate me--you're going to delay your pending approval.
19. When filling out an application, don't ever note that your reason for leaving your current residence is because your "ex was a whore". He or she may have been, but there's no point in sharing that information with me. Seriously. No point.
    
20. Do not put a deposit down unless you are 100% certain that you want to and can rent the apartment or house. Plain and simple.

There you have it. My twenty golden rules for a smooth rental process.

To: Blog Community - From: Me - Re: Junk Faxes

There's nothing that gets my goat quite like junk faxes. Not only are they a waste of time, they're also a waste of paper as they'll no doubt end up in the trash...or hopefully the recycling bin.

This particular fax, however, cracked me right up for two reasons. First, how dumb does the sender think people are?! And two, there truly are dumb people out there who would fall for this silly fax pertaining to a male enhancer. Okay, so that's a third reason why it cracked me up... Male enhancer. (I'm mature.)

I guess I should learn to count because there are a couple more laughable details of this fax... I really love that the receiver of this is supposed to believe that it was accidentally sent to her or him. If a gentleman was to genuinely send such a fax, I'm thinking he would make damn sure to dial the right number.

But I think my favorite part about this junk fax is when "Len" writes to "Bret Z" saying, "Sorry, my cell battery went on me." Really Len? You're cellular died and so instead of picking up a land-line phone you wrote out this detailed fax for your pal Bret? I mean, if you could fax this message you certainly must have a good ol' fashioned phone you could use. Or what about email? I know when I send messages about male enhancers to my friends named Bret, I prefer to email them so as to avoid any potential hand cramps. But hey, that's just me...

Seriously.

Grown Ups and Crazy Dreams

It's been far too long since I've spilled... My friend, Kendra, brought it to my attention that I needed a new post and she was right! So here I am again and hopefully I'll be here more regularly. I love to write, to ponder, to open so I don't know why I haven't done this more. Hmm...

Perhaps it's this thing called work. Have you heard of it? It's this thing that grown ups do...a lot. It generally occurs every weekday from 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. and when one has finished with work one tends to go home and reboot, only to do the same thing the following day. See, a grown up needs to work because grown ups have bills to pay and by working a grown up can earn the money necessary to pay said bills. However, there is a cost for working and that cost is the loss of life... One most work to live, but when one works one has no time to live. Or so it seems for this grown up.

Holy shit. I'm a grown up. When did that happen?!

In other news... I had some crazy dreams last night, as I usually do. One dream was more like a story that I was following, a movie I was watching. Or maybe I was in it too... Can't quite recall. But what I do remember is that there was some young people making their way through a snowy and cold wilderness. They were dressed in every day clothes and were not equipped for their environment, save for one individual who had a knife and this little bag slung across his or her body...or was it my body... Cripes, I wish I could remember clearly. Anywho, this bag was remarkable because whatever these youngins' needed in their adventures they could pull out of the little shoulder strap bag. They didn't have to ask for the tool, the bag just provided what was needed. I thought this was cool because the tools given weren't necessarily what they thought they would need. Sometimes they thought they needed more than what the bag spit out. Sometimes they thought they needed different tools. But the bag knew better. I wish I had a bag like that...

Well then, I'll leave it at that. Just a random post from yours truly to start off 2009 (twenty-three days late). I'll be back in touch because there is more to share... Until then, have a lovely day...every day.