Would-be renters please take heed...

I'm a leasing agent and I know that many people would put me right up there with car salesmen, but it's my job. It's not a job I ever wanted, or a job I ever dreamed of. But it's my job. It pays the bills, keeps food on my table, clothes on my back, and a roof over my head. Today, that's something to be very grateful for and I am.

As a leasing agent I'd like to disperse a bit of knowledge and share some tips with would-be renters. I admit that this advice isn't only beneficial to prospective tenants. A smooth rental process is also beneficial for my sanity as a human being. So please, if you're looking to rent, take heed...

1. If you don't have money to rent an apartment or house then don't go hunting for a home. I can't barter with you and I can't donate one to you. Let's save both of ourselves some quality time.
2. If you're a creeper, can you just buy your own home please? I really don't want to be alone in an empty apartment or house with you--particularly in an unfinished basement of an old house. So either uncreep yourself, or just stay the heck away from me.
3. Sex offender? Hell to tha no. You will not rent from me. Sorry. Wait... No I'm not.
   
4. I do not need your life story. Let's keep it professional. Let's keep our convos short and and to the point.
   
5. When reviewing an availability list, do just that... Review it. Read over everything and come prepared.
   
6. If an apartment is noted as occupied, that means it's not vacant. If you don't know what either of those words--occupied and vacant--mean, look them up. Please. I beg you.
   
7. Do not come to an appointment thirty minutes early. You'll be waiting a long time and I'll be fuming for a long time. Trust me on this, five minutes is plenty early. Plenty. Early.
   
8. Do not come to an appointment thirty minutes late. You'll be lucky if you get to look at anything. You're better off to call and reschedule if you're going to be more than ten minutes late.
   
9. Make one appointment. So you want to look at a few apartments or houses? Great. I'm happy to show you. But I sure as heck do not want to show you the same exact properties multiple times. Make sure you and your roommate(s) can come together at the same time if you all want to see them. If you need measurements, remember to bring that tape measurer with you the first time so I don't have to escort you back there. Whatever it is that could possibly make you want/need to look at the same place twice, I would greatly appreciate it if you could get all of that organized for the first and hopefully last appointment.
   
10. Unless you're a first time renter, do not bring your mom and dad with you. Okay, that may be a bit harsh... How about... If you're over forty, don't bring your parents with you. You're an adult. You can make a decision.
    
11. If you have four kids or more, it'd be best if you didn't bring them with you on a tour. I love kids, I really do. But let's face it, some kids are not well behaved and if a home is occupied they can get into things. And that's not good. Not good at all.
    
12. Treat an appointment to tour homes like you would a job interview. Now I'm not saying you need to come in a suit, but it's always nice when I don't see your underwear and, you know, you're clean.
    
13. Speaking of clean... Keep it clean by watching your language. I swear, I do, but I don't do it around you so please don't drop the F-bomb in front of me. And definitely don't say, "I'll have to watch that step when I'm drunk! Ha ha." Seriously.
    
14. Use the bathroom before you go on a property tour. I once had a creeper use the bathroom of a vacant apartment and he left the door wide open, this was after he asked me out. So again, I plead with creepers to stay away.
15. If we're in an apartment or house, please don't plan where every piece of furniture would go for thirty minutes..especially when it's still occupied. I don't want to be in anyone's home longer than I need to be. It's plain awkward. And I don't mean to be rude, but I could really care less where your recliner would go.
    
16. Please, please, please don't hem and haw whether or not you and your significant other, or roommate want to rent the apartment or home in front of me for thirty minutes while still in the home...especially when it's still occupied. Again, it's awkward. It's also infuriating. I have no say with your personal business. I also don't have the time (or patience) to listen when you're not even talking to me. I've got paperwork I could finish, people! Talk amongst yourselves and then let me know if you have any questions. I'd be happy to answer them at that time.
    
17. Don't lie. If you have bad credit, have been previously evicted, owe people money... Fess up to it. It's going to show up in your credit report anyway. So now not only are you a risk, you're also a liar. That's not a good one-two combo.
    
18. Fill out your application fully and clearly. If I have to hunt for needed information and try to decipher your chicken scratch, not only are you going to frustrate me--you're going to delay your pending approval.
19. When filling out an application, don't ever note that your reason for leaving your current residence is because your "ex was a whore". He or she may have been, but there's no point in sharing that information with me. Seriously. No point.
    
20. Do not put a deposit down unless you are 100% certain that you want to and can rent the apartment or house. Plain and simple.

There you have it. My twenty golden rules for a smooth rental process.