Find My Way

Sooo... My brother obtained a new job back in our hometown of Minot, ND. I'm extremely happy for him because it is a great opportunity that will enable him to get his foot firmly in the door of education. It will also be a nice break from his current job, which definitely tears at his heart from time to time being he works with emotionally disturbed youth. Finally, he'll be closer to our parental unit--something both he and my parents will enjoy.

I, on the other hand, am still unemployed and apparently turning into the black sheep of the family. And when my brother moves I'll be homeless since I live with him. Even worse, I'll be separated from my four legged nephew.

My beloved Butkus.

But worse yet, if I don't get my life in control I, too, will be moving back to Minot. If that were to happen I'd at least be close to Butkus, but truly that would not be my ideal living situation. I am proud of where I come from, but for a girl who dreams of NYC that would be a depressing step backwards.

There's nothing and no one there in Minot for me...

I'm just sooo completely frustrated and exhausted. I have shut down and I feel horrible for doing that because it's silly when there are people who are actually fighting their way through a true ordeal. I have no idea what I want to do, what I should do, and where I should be here and now in my life. I've never felt so lost, so alone. I've never felt so absurd. How do I not have a "real job"?! It's ridiculous on my part, I know.

I don't expect to have my dream job at twenty-three. Heck, I don't even know what exactly my dream job is because there is just so much I hope to do. But this world of business seems so petty. I guess I have my head in the clouds. Forgive me, I'm just not equipped for the real world. I never have had to "put myself out there" before and the thought of having to do so now is...is...slightly terrifying.

I want to be brave. I need to be brave.

I should backtrack because I do know what I want to do with my life... I want to write and paint and design my own cards and draw and craft a message. I want to create. And through my creations I want to reach people, touch their hearts, and impact them. I want to make a difference...


But how can I pursue all of that when I am broke? Money doesn't make the world go 'round, but it definitely helps one make her way around the world.

Please pray I find my way.